Lezak to French: Tell Me How My Ass Tastes!

Yes, it's a swimming post. Deal with it.

If you weren't watching late Sunday (and if you're an arrogant American sports fan, you probably were not), you missed the fourth best sporting event of the year - after the Super Bowl, the U.S. Open and the NCAA Tournament Title Game.

The 4x100-meter freestyle relay at the Olympics was simply that exciting, packed into 3:08.24.

It had all the drama. The Americans had historically dominated the event, winning every gold medal until 2000 and 2004. The French had been talking Chad Johnson-level smack in advance. And the race was, we all thought, over with 50 meters left - the Americans behind by almost a full body length to the world record holder.

Oh, I forget. Some guy from Michigan was involved and he's looking for something, like, 8 gold medals. Selfish bastard.

Enter Jason Lezak, who swam the last 50 like he was injected with NOS. He chased down Alain Bernard with a fury, winning the race in last 25 meters and touched the wall just hundredths of a second in front of the bitches from France. America, Fuck Yeah!

I was pretty fucking excited - even woke up the wife with my roar at the end. For a detailed, informative breakdown of the race, click here.

Photo courtesy of SlugMatt. I don't care if it has nothing to do with the post.

College Football Preview Part II: Preseason Top 15

It is rather silly to list a preseason top 25 for college football. There are simply too many variables from year to year. From the holes created by the loss of seniors and early entries to the impact of incoming freshman, it's just too hard to predict this early.

And yet, the preseason poll in football is far more important than in basketball. When a team is slotted in the football poll, they move up as teams in front lose, and then move down who knows how many spots when they lose. The slotted position is very important, despite its relative inexact science.

That is why I would support a waiting period for the first AP and Coaches polls. If the powers that be are going to continue to employ the absolutely assinine BCS system, then they ought to at least be patient when positioning each team for its late season run.

But in the spirit of hypocrisy, and in full recognition that this list will resemble the final poll much the same way Sarah Jessica Parker resembles a sexy woman, here is your way-too-early Top 15:

15. Texas Tech

Gimmicky, but effective offense. Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree should combine for about 3000 yards this year and 35 touchdowns. Anything less and Mike Leach will throw the Playstation controller at the computer screen. Beating Eastern Washington by any less than 60 points will be a disappointed.

Uncoincidentally, Mike Leach is a prick that runs up the score on lesser opponents and still can't beat Texas and Oklahoma for the league title.... ever.

14. Arizona St.

Dennis Erickson's team surprised many last year, including yours truly. But I still believe that their success is more of a product of the weak Pac-10 as opposed to the greatness of Rudy Carpenter. A Sept. 20 buttwhoopin' in Devil Staduim looms courtesy of the Georgia Bulldogs. Their only other loss should be USC. But they'll lose those two games by a combined 60+ points

13. Florida St.

They have the talent. They have the schedule. But they're coach is older than John McCain, and that ain't a good thing. Look for Drew Weatherford to put up enough points to challenge Clemson for the ACC title - which is sort of like winning a homegame of poker.

Myron Rolle on defense is a S-T-U-D. Just sayin'.

12. West Virgina

They're final record will be somewhere around 12-1 or 11-2 because of the weak-ass Big East, so why aren't they higher? The answer is simple. They'll be losing to Auburn at home on October 23, so I cannot in good conscience put them ahead of them - even though their record and final ranking will probably be better.

It's not as if they lost Pat White or anything and Noel Devine is the real deal. But in the trenches, they are sorely deficient and that will show against the much bigger Tigers. In the Big Least, they'll dominate.

11. Auburn

They are only here because they had the balls to schedule a roadgame in Morgantown. They have a serious questionmark at quarterback, but that should be figured out by the third week in October. They also play in the comparatively weak SEC West, should beat Alabama for the 94th year in a row and if they can knock off LSU in September, they'll get to lose to either Georgia or Florida in the SEC title game. Good fun.

10. Texas

You have to really wonder what this team is capable of, especially considering how many times Jamaal Charles (who is now gone) had to save this team last year. Colt McCoy looked brilliant at times two years ago as a redshirt freshman. If he can stay healthy, he should have a big year statistically with a huge offensive line in front of him. The defense is also stout.

The problem? Vince Young ain't there and Oklahoma is on the schedule. Mack Brown knows how that equation usually works out.

9. LSU

Tough call here. The defense should be outstanding and they have a big offensive line with a deep pool of running backs. If Ryan Perriloux hadn't been a walking disaster in the offseason, this team would be competing to repeat as National Champs. As it stands, they don't have a QB and I'm not sure they'll be able to top Auburn for the West, much less beat either Florida or Georgia for the SEC title.

That matchup against Auburn, by the way, should be a disaster and may set back offense in the SEC about four decades. I'm calling LSU in a 9-3 walkover, but it really could go either way. If it does, flip them with Tigers.

8. Clemson

This is Tommy Bowden's best team since he's been there. C.J. Spiller and James Davis may be the best tandem of running backs east of Pasadena. At quarterback, this team is set with the seasoned Cullen Harper and stud-backup Willy Korn. With the ACC is disarray, this team should walk away with the league title, if Tommy can top Daddy's Seminoles.

Bottom Line: The defense isn't great, but Freshman DE Da'Quan Bowers will be one of the all-time greats. They could be a darkhorse national title contender, giving in-state rival South Carolina Cocks a chance to jizz all over their season on Nov. 29.

7. Wisconsin

If they can get past an early-season test at Fresno State, this team has a chance to be something special coming out of Madison. We all know they'll be able to run the ball as they do every year. But the defense should be spectacular. The D-Line is the best in the Big Ten, with Matt Shaughnessy (seems like he's been there forever) anchoring the line. Travis Beckum is the best TE in the country. The only unknown is the quarterback position, where K-State transfer Allan Evridge would seem to have the inside track.

Bret Bielema is one of the premier young coaches in the country. He has shown an ability to win the big games, but can he avoid losing the little ones? If he can, only a mid-season homegame versus the Buckeyes of Ohio State stands in the way of a league title and BCS-bowl berth.

6. Missouri

Anyone that was anybody during last year's run is back. And yes, that includes my Heisman frontrunner Chase Daniel. The schedule will be tough though. An early season matchup with Illinois in St. Louis will tell a lot about whether this team was a one-year wonder. Also on the schedule looms a road game in Austin. Here's saying they win both and walk into the Big 12 Title game undefeated against the Sooners...

... and there's the problem. They can't beat the Sooners.

5. Oklahoma

I'm baffled how this team can get away, year after year, with failing to show up in bowl games while Ohio State gets ripped to shreads. And yet, they still dominate the two teams in the Big 12 worth dominating - Texas and Missouri. So I have to put them here, even you know they'll lose some game they shouldn't during the regular season, and subsequently get thumped in a BCS bowl. It's like Christmas. It happens every year.

Sam Bradford will be a finalist for the Heisman. Mark that down as well.

4. Ohio State

Yes, the rest of the country is aware that James Laurinaitis, Malcolm Jenkins and Alex Boone all came back for one more BCS National Championship ass-kickin'. We get it. I also heard the Craig Krenzel was a molecular genetics major and that Brett Favre was coming out of retirement.

The defensive line sucks though. Shh... don't tell the Bucknuts in Columbus. But they couldn't generate pressure on a middle school offensive line from BFE. That's why you see Little Animal racking up 17 tackles in the championship - all of which were about 7-10 yards downfield after the defensive line whiffed on the tackles. Add insult to injury, starting DT Doug Worthington apparently likes to booze and get behind the wheel of his Cadillac SUV.

The other problem besides the defensive line? The quarterback. Todd Boeckman makes Bernie Kosar look like Vince Young. And his decisionmaking over the last three games was suspect at best. By the time he got to New Orleans, he was making Stanley Jackson look like a certain aforementioned molecular genetics major.

If they can get past Wisconsin, they'll probably walk away with the Big Ten title - as if that's worth anything. But forget a third trip to ass-whoopin' land. An early-season loss to USC will take care of that - and it won't be pretty.

3. Georgia

Everybody is lovin' the Dawgs and slobbering all over Knowshon Moreno's knob. It will get worse after they trample ASU in the desert on Sept. 20. But two things will keep this team from getting anywhere other than another regular BCS game:

1. They are making the Bengals look like Habitat for Humanity. So many arrests. So little time. Mark Richt even had to suspend a couple of players - which must have taken a brutal rape allegation, swept under the rug of course. There's no truth to the rumor that they have tried to bring back Odell Thurman.

2. With the extreme exception of last year where the entire team embarrassed themselves by running onto the field after the first touchdown of the game, they always lose to Florida in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Always. This year will be no different. Look for Matt Stafford to choke like a Phillipino Whore during a gangbang that game.

On the bright side... with USC like headed to the BCS Title game, the Rose Bowl may be able to select Georgia to be the third consecutive SEC title to drop the hammer on the Buckeyes. Good times.

2. Florida

Easy call here. With Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin, you know the offense will light up the scoreboard like a pinball machine.

Everyone is questioning the defense. Sure, they struggled at times last year but because they were young, not because they weren't talent. Take away the young, add a year of experience, along with Matt Stafford's rising blood pressure, and you've got yourself another SEC team in the title game. Player to watch on defense: Hard-hitting headhunter Soph. Safety Major Wright. Big-time player with future first-round pick written all over him.

1. USC

First, let me say this: Pete Carroll is the mother-fucking Anti-Christ. There, I said it. But success attracts hate and no one can doubt the domination of this Pac-10 program since 2002. Year after year in the top 2 or 3. Year after year the top recruiting class in the country. Yes. They're good. And there's no reason to think that 2008 will be any different.

This year, the Trojans have, without a doubt, the best defense in the country. The defensive line is strong with Fili Moala filling the gaps up the middle and fast rush ends outside. The secondary is solid, returning 3 0f 4 starters, and including the top safety tandem in the country. But the heart and soul of the defense lies with the linebacker corps. Rey Maualuga should have left early. He is the hardest hitting lineback in the country, with great technique and a nasty disposition. There are no question marks on this defense.

Offensively, the Trojans boast a deep set of running backs. Joe McKnight is the headliner. But Stafon Johnson is the best overall back. The battle for the starting position will only make them better. At the quarterback position, Mark Sanchez is a former #1 quarterback recruit with 4 starts already in his pocket. His receivers are heralded, but have been disppointing. The passing game will need to take some pressure off the backs. But the defense will give the air attack time to develop.

The headline of the schedule is Ohio State, and the Trojans have lost only one big game since 2002. (See Texas 2005). Usually, this team shows up and blows out the tough opponents. There's no reason tho think the outcome will be any different at home against an Ohio State team that has struggled against teams with quick defensive lines. (See Florida and LSU). The only landmind on the schedule is USC themselves. They are simply too good and the Pac-10 too mediocre to slip against another patsy like Stanford again. Look for them in Miami in the BCS Title game.

College Football Preview: Part I

I know I'm beating a dead horse here (See: Barbaro), but it cannot possibly be said enough: The BCS sucks and college football needs a playoff system.

Every single year, the voters (which apparently include some of the shit-breathing idiots on Around the Horn AND Steve Spurrier) subjectively select two teams at the end of the year to play for a big, expensive crystal football. Sometimes a couple of PCs even chime in with their opinion. Now, this system of champion selection is definately better than, say, picking one team after a bunch of silly bowl games to be the AP, UPI or Sporting News champion in the same ridiculous fashion. At least under the BCS system, two teams are picked out of a hat to play for it on the field.

But the BCS is most certainly markedly worse than the NFL Playoffs, NBA Playoffs, Major League Baseball .... Playoffs, Stanley Cup ... Playoffs, Division I-AA (err... FCS) ............... Playoffs, Ohio High School Athletic Association .............. Playoffs, and the Pop Warner League.... yup, you guessed it.... Playoffs. (I'll even add a little NCAA Tournament in there for some flavor).

I've heard the counterargument many times: "But people will always complain." Of course they will. That's what people do. That's one of the few things Phil Gramm got right. We are a country of complainers. But who really gave a shit when fans of the Cleveland Browns bitched that they didn't make the playoffs after going 10-6? You want to make the playoffs? Win more games.

So who is going to give one flying piece of mastadon dung if the 3-loss Clemson Tigers are the odd team out at the subjective position of #9? Under the current system, that ninth-place team would likely be stuck kicking Notre Dame's ass in the Gator Bowl anyway.

Ohio State President (and master of the bow-tie) Gordon Gee says that he will never support a playoff system - thinks they'd have to pry it from his cold, dead hands. One quote had him saying that he won't support the "professionalization" of college football. And to that, I say good point. We would not want college football players to be "professionalized" in the same way as college lacrosse and field hockey players. I mean, those "student-athletes" can't even walk to class without being recognized and hounded for autographs. I sure can't wait to see Gee's campaign to end those "professional" playoff systems.

And if nothing else, at the very least, a playoff system might have saved Ohio State from getting its ass kicked by LSU last year - embarrassing themselves, the Big Ten and the idiots that still scream "O-H" "I-O" all at the same time. Instead, they would have probably gotten their tails turned by some other team before even reaching the apex, and would have been an afterthought instead of the butt of a joke around about a million inbred dinner tables south of the Mason-Dixon.

So in conclusion: Fuck the BCS.

(Preseason Top 15 in Part II)

Photo courtesy of coreygilmore.com

Carson Palmer Can Eat a Bag 'O Dicks

Apparently Carson Palmer is none too fond of the Ohio State Buckeyes, who will be squaring off against his USC Trojans come September.

I can think of a number of reasons why he hates Ohio State:

1. He lives in Cincitucky and apparently its a city ordinance to have vitriol hate for the Buckeyes.

2. He's overcompensating to distract from his man crush on Brian Hartline.

3. He had money on the Bucks in the last two National Championship games.

4. He mistakenly believes that Kimo Von Oelhoffen is an alum. (He's not, but I would not oppose an honorary degree at this point)

5. He's jealous that Craig Krenzel has more national championships.

6. He's showing off for Nick Lachey, whom he hopes he can coax into cheating on Matt Leinart just like he did to Jessica Simpson. (You can't make this stuff up)

Either way, I think I speak for all Ohio State fans (which may or may not include 5 or 6 Bengals' fans) when I say, Fuck Carson Palmer's mother.

Ohio State Football Preview Coming Soon!

I had a request for a post on the gridiron Buckeyes. Ask and you shall receive. I am, afterall, a man of the people.

Where are the posts?

I am in a lull... a genuine sports depression. I never intended to make this blog about my disappointing relationship with Cleveland sports, but its inevitable.

The Cavaliers have had an offseason on par with most of the first 16 years of my sex life - which is to say that they've barely copped a feel on any trades or free agents.

The Indians are playing like (for lack of a better word) (or phrase) fucking shit. They had to trade CC (formerly C.C.) Sofat-thia, which I had been advocating since Spring Training. And the season is over... O-V-E-R - just one year after leading the Sawx 3-1 in the ALCS.

And I just watched Miguel Cabrera hit a walk-off home run to send the Indians to their 10th straight loss after the Tribe led 6-0. It does not get much worse.

You know its bad when the saving grace is the upcoming Browns' season. But as the Tribe have proven... just because you have on nice cologne and a condom in your pocket, doesn't mean you are going to get laid. If you're a Cleveland fan, chances are you'll be spending the night with your trusty right hand and a mouse pad... or watching your team lose for the 528th straight time to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Kids, don't be Cleveland fans. Save yourself the unnecessary depression.

Hockey players love the Cup more than money????

Maybe this is a trend that will catch on in other sports, but I seriously doubt it. Apparently money isn't everything in the world of the NHL.

Today, the Detroit Red Wings signed Marian Hossa to a one year, $7.4 million deal that will all but ensure that both Hossa and the Wings will get what they truly want - the 2009 Stanley Cup.

When asked why he chose the Red Wings over his former team, the Pittsburgh Penguins, Hossa said: "It was a really tough decision for me to make. When I compared the two teams, I felt like I would have a little better of a chance to win the Cup in Detroit."

And he meant it. Hossa turned down a reported 5-year, $35 million deal to return to Steel town to take the short-term deal in the Motor City.

It's not as if the Penguins were chopped liver either. This is a team that played and 'just' lost the aforementioned Red Wings in the Finals.

So Hossa will win his Cup. He and his family will pray he doesn't suffer a Lindross-like 10 concussions next year. Then he'll take his ring and sign a long-term deal elsewhere next summer.

If this trend continues, then don't expect one more hockey trend to dissipate any time soon: the Columbus Blue Jackets sucking.

A.C. Slater's Dad Hates Iowa

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Live Blog of the NBA Draft

Warning: Long - Print it out, take it to the bathroom.

7:05 Draft Preview Starts: Your ESPN lineup is Stuart Scott, Mark Jackson, Jay Bilas, and thankfully, the surprisingly hilarious Jeff Van Gundy. At least Screamin' A does not appear to be in the house... yet.

7:09 Andy Katz discloses that the Bulls will be taking Derrick Rose with the first pick. Unlike any report submitted by Kirk Herbstreit, you can probably take this report to the bank.

I hate the Bulls, so the fact that I hate them picking Rose tells you all you need to know about this guy's talent. If he were four inches taller, he'd be Lebron James. Yes, I went there.

Jay Bilas gives some terrific analysis of his talents, but then actually compares him to Deron Williams. Not the same player. Not close. DWill is a terrific half-court point guard with a great jump shot. Rose is a full-court point guard with a suspect jump shot.

7: 16 There it is. The first "Lebron to Brooklyn" reference from Ric Bucher. Thanks asshole. Like I needed to be reminded.

Here's how you can tell the difference between a bandwagon Cavs' fan and a real one:

1. There's no way he leaves Cleveland. He's from Akron. He's the King of Northeast Ohio. He wants to bring a championship to the city, and he's loyal to the city.

2. There's no way he stays in Cleveland. There are far too many dollars out there to be made in endorsements by playing in a big market. Never trust an athlete to choose loyalty over money. Fans hate him while he plays Cleveland. They'll love him in NYC. His boy Jay-Z is there. The Cavs can't build a winner around him. He's gone.

The real fan knows who's who.

Also, why does Lebron like Jay-Z so much? Really, the guy just seems dry to me. Me thinks Lebron's just trying to get close to Beyonce's bangin' booty. Watch out Mr. Carter. The King is looking for a Queen.

7:17 Great. Stephen A. Smith is there. My mute button will be working overtime.

7:22 WARNING! I do not know every player in this draft. So my analysis may be limited. If a player is drafted from overseas, and he has more than 7 consonants in his last name, there's a good chance that I have no fucking clue if he's a good pick.

7:27 The Oklahoma City Sonics have 6 picks. SIX! Since Danny Ferry will not be handing in the pick on anyone of them, there's at least a 75% chance that two of them will be high quality picks.

NBA Basketball in Oklahoma City??? Still having trouble rapping my mind around that. That's like having the Iditarod in Guatamala.

7:35 David Stern welcomes us all to New York City, home of the Knicks and the WNBA's New York Liberty(?). We get it. The NBA invested in a professional league for women. No one cares. No one will ever care. You're better off trying to make minor league soccer popular in America.

Stern also informs us that the Bulls have five minutes to select Derrick Rose. Five minutes to pick a guy they decided on days ago. Five minutes for me to ramble on about five wasted minutes.

Seriously, the Bulls are going to use all of their time. Are they waiting on the Cavs to call and offer Lebron James and Eric Snow for the #1 pick?

7:40 (Yawn) Chicago takes Rose. Did you know he's from Chicago? Thanks for reminding us ESPN... again... and again.... and again. His nickname, as informed by Stuart Scott, is Pooh. Quality journalism. Hopefully, his career is as unfullfilling as that of the famed Pooh Richardson.

7: 43 Everybody is wondering what Miami will do. They should take Beasley. I hope they take Mayo.

And with the second pick, the Heat take.... Beasley.

Yup, smoke screens all weak from South Beach. Why? I have no clue.

By the way, I love Beasley's game. Unlike Kevin Durant, he's physical enough already to bang in the league. He'll be a strong rebounder. He can already hit the medium to long-range two-point shot. He's an upper-middle-class man's Carlos Boozer. And he'll team well with Dwayne Wade.

I hate it. But if you're a Miami fan, you've got to be pleased.

7:50 Kevin McHale is on the clock. The rumor is that he is not trading the pick to the Celtics for Scott Pollard. But how can he fuck it up this year?

OJ Mayo.... is going to Minnesota. That's actually a very good pick for them.

I can't believe I just said that. I bet my Zydrunas Illgauskas bobble head that McHale trades him for Eric Gordon and a conditional second rounder later on. He has to. There's no way he can get this right.

7:53 The team formerly known as Seattle will be picking next, trying to find a sidekick for Kevin Durant. They need to be finding someone that can get the boards Durant cannot seem to locate in the NBA.

... which reminds me that, last year, Bill Simmons called Durant the surest pick of the draft since Jordan. I'm sure he just forgot about Shaquille O'Neal and Lebron James. He must have. He couldn't be that dumb. Could he?

7:58 Oklahoma City does the best they can with the pick. Ho hum, they take Russell Westbrook out of Los Angeles University of California. Solid point guard. Not a game-changer. Good on-ball defense. But, ultimately a solid, not great, addition to the heart of Sooner Country.

By the way, did you know Derrick Rose was from Chicago? Yeah, just found out. ESPN is great.

8:05 Memphis. The Grizz. The team born just north of Seattle in Vancouver, (Some Province), Canada. Now neither northwest city has a team. I think the NBA just hates the people up there.

There's not really much hope for the future of this team. But they take the guy that the Sonics probably should have taken in Kevin Love.

One thing is for certain. No one on ESPN is talking about Love's "upside". With this guy, what you see is what you get. A pounder. And excellent passer. Great touch around the rim. Sure he runs a 10-second 40 and has a 6.5-inch vertical. But he's a player. And if Brad Miller can be successful in this league, then I'm quite confident that Love will be as well.

8:10 The Knicks are on the Clock. The Knicks are on the Clock.

David Stern hears these words in his nightmares.

The crowd is excited. Some guy in a Starks jersey just yawned and another in a Ewing jersey swayed nervously.

There's no one here for NYC to take that's going to make this crowd happy. Get ready. Here it comes...

HA! "BOOOOOO!!!!" "BOOOOO!!!!"

Welcome to New York Danilo Gallinari. Knicks fans never let you down.

What??? Did Fran Fraschilla really just compare this Italian guy to Derek Jeter??? That fans would love him as much as Tiki Barber??? Yeah, and Detroit loves Dontrelle Willis as much as Barry Sanders.

8:15 Wait, the Knicks and Clippers are picking back to back? Is it my birthday?

With the seventh pick, Elgin Baylor takes the most overrated player in the draft, Eric Gordon. He's 6'2". He shrivels like a male private part in the pool when the pressure is on. He can't shoot, despite the assinine comment I just hear from Stuart Scott that he could. He can't dribble.

Gordon's ceiling would be to be as good as Ben Gordon as an undersized shooting guard. But the latter is clutch in the fourth quarter. Eric Gordon is, well, about as clutch as Kevin Garnett.

Maybe he'll prove me wrong. Maybe it was just the double teams in college that made him look like a scared kid. But I doubt it...

8:20 The Bucks take Joe Alexander. I heard on the radio the other day that he was the most athletic guy in the draft.

This pick, along with the strange trade for Richard Jefferson, all but assures that Milwaukee will not be trading Michael Redd. It's not that the Bucks are a title contender now. They're still a lottery team. But I was hoping they would take Eric Gordon, who they would mistakenly believe was their shooting guard of the future. With him, they could dump Redd for pennies on the dollar.

But not now. Redd is a Buck for life. Sucks to be him.

8:23 Miss Hawaiian Tropic is on HDNet. I will attempt not to let it distract me.

Ahh, who cares about the Charlotte Bobcats drafting? They're just another team going nowhere. We're staying with the girls...

You know, I really like Miss Sicily, Italy. I think she has tremenous length and outstanding upside. She has some character issues, but I think that gangbang her junior of high school was just a phase.

8:27 Poor D.J. Augustin. Now here's a young man with some moxy. A true point guard - probably the only one in this draft. His height (5'11") was thought to scare a lot of teams. But he's a good shooter, a smart passer and a game manager. Too bad he's a Bobcat now.

Someone must have forgotten to pull Michael Jordan away from the blackjack table. This pick actually didn't suck.

Of course, I fully expect Larry Brown (coaching his 243rd team) to ruin this kid.

8:31 The Nets will be taking Brook Lopez. Mark it down. Lebron just got off the phone with Jay-Z and told them to take the overrated big man.

Yup, I was right. I always am. The Nets just love twins from Stanford. (re: Jarron Collins).

Jay Bilas is "high" on Brook Lopez. Awesome.

The Nets starting lineup in 2010: PG Devin Harris SG High pick from next year's draft SF Lebron James PF Yi Jianlian C Brook Lopez

Not exactly a championship-winning lineup.

8:39 The Pacers (another team running in place) take Jerryd Bayless. I can imagine the interview between he and Larry Bird in draft preparation.

Bird: So, umm... do you go to Stripclubs?

Bayless: Sometimes.

Bird: But you don't bring your gun to the stripclub, do you?

Bayless: No, never.

Bird: What about plastic cups? Like, if I threw this cup at you, would you run me down and punch the guy next to me by accident?

Bayless: No, never. Why would I do that? It's just a plastic cup.

Bird: Good, we're taking you at 11. Thanks Jerryd, it was a pleasure.

8:48 Finally, a team with a real future. The Blazers. We've suffered through 10 picks from nothing teams ever since the Bulls and Heat took the only two guys worth having in the draft.

No longer the Jail Blazers, Portland takes Kareem and Jaron Rush's brother, Brandon (who looks just like Terrance Howard). Not really a great pick. But with Oden and Roy, who cares? The future is still bright.

By the way, the Kings took Jason Thompson out of Rider with the pick before at number 12. I didn't mention it earlier because I don't know who Jason Thompson is - ESPN Sportsnation apparently doesn't either because they gave the pick an 'F'. All of the analysts called the pick "surprising," but still gave credit to Reggie Theus for having the guts to take him.

In case you're wondering, Theus is more well known as the head coach of Anthony Anderson in Hang Time. Great show. The 8-foot rim and female starting shooting guard really hurt its credibility though.

8:57 Look, if I were not going to be picked in the top 10, I would not show up at the draft. If I dropped like Dow Jones, I'd probably start crying. LSU's Anthony Randolph apparently disagrees. The kid is about 6'9", 120 lbs. A lot of mock drafts had him falling into the 20s.

But Don Nelson saves him and takes 'em at #14 for the Warriors. Not sure why they take this kid. Kevin Durant has polished skills, plays on the perimeter and his weight was a problem last year. It'll be a disaster for Randolph.

8:58 And here's Dickie V. Not sure why everyone dislikes this guy. He's passionate about the game. He's generally positive about the players he discusses. His only major flaw would be his insane man-crush on Coach K. But nobody's perfect. Plus he agrees with me that the Sonics should have taken Love over Westbrook.

9:00 The Suns didn't trade their pick this year. Wow. Jerry Colangelo is getting frivolous with his money all of a sudden. And they even made a smart pick in Robin Lopez, who is a rich man's Anderson Varejao. Hell, he should probably be starting over Shaq's fat ass already.

9:02 Now on HDNet: Bikini Destinations. If you do no have this network, call your cable operator now.

Over on Sports Time Ohio, the Indians game is under way after a long rain delay. The Indians, of course, have zero runs. But its only the first inning, so neither do the Giants. This game could go either way.

9:06 Another Florida Gator goes in the first round: Mareese Speights to the Sixers. Philly is really starting to build something around a bunch of guys that aren't really superstars. If they can re-sign Iguodola, they'll be back in the playoffs. Unfortunately, AI will be wanting a max deal. Can't give him a max deal.

9:10 Toronto is now picking for Indiana. This is a strange glitch in the NBA that we have to suffer through every year. Roy Hibbert will now be putting on a Raptors' hat and has to pretend as if he'll be paying Canadian taxes until the league approves the Jermaine O'Neal trade.

I've never seen the league nix one of these trades. So why go through the charade?

Oops, nevermind. Hibbert has a G'Town education, so he was smart enough not to show up in New York. So good for him. He won't have to don the Raptors cap. The bad news? He's a Pacer.

9:13 They just showed clips of Brook Lopez as he dropped to the Nets at 10. "I'm gonna be just like that one guy. I'm gonna be just like Brady Quinn."

Awesome.

9:15 The Washington Wizards take Javele McGee of Nevada. I hear he has a lot of raw talent, and Jay Bilas says his "arms go forever." Andray Blatche just saw his 5 minutes a game disappear.

9:18 Deal!!! Portland gets Jerryd Bayless from Indiana for Jarrett Jack and Brandon Rush. I guess Bayless would be pissed if you through plastic cup at him.

Obviously, I like the deal for Portland. Bayless really is a shooting guard. He'll play well off Brandon Roy. And they still have that Oden guy.

And, yes, I'm pissed that ESPN said a deal was in just before the Cavs were to draft. More pissed at myself for thinking the Cavs would actually do something. I'm quite confident that the Cavs will fuck this pick up.

9:22 On a night where Kevin McHale redeemed himself, is it possible that Danny Ferry could do the same? Please take Chris Douglass-Roberts. Please don't take Kosta Koufos.

Actually, please trade the goddamn pick...

Huh? J.J. Hickson? Really?

I got nothing. I'm speechless. Bravo Danny Ferry. You're 100% incompetent. I think I'll go throw up in my mouth now.

9:26 Nevermind. I'm not speechless. J.J. Hickson couldn't average more than 15 ppg for a shitty team. To put this in perspective, Doug Etzler once average over 20 points for a shitty team. Don Jantonio once averaged double figures for a shitty team.

If you're on a shitty team, and you're worth anything, you should be putting up 20 bills-plus all night, every night. And J.J. Hickson couldn't. I don't give a shit that he was a freshman. He should have stayed in school then.

I'm quite certain David Stern is slipping Danny Ferry large amounts of money under the table to fuck this thing up - seeing as everyone outside of Ohio wants Lebron in Brooklyn.

9:29 Alexis Ajanca averaged just 5 ppg/5 rpg in the French League. And he's a first-round NBA draft pick. I'm confused. Charlotte will never be good. Michael Jordan must have gotten busted at the craps table and decided to show up and start playing GM.

9:32 The Nets are back on the clock thanks to the Mavericks and that crazy trade for Jason Kidd. Still looking to build around their future free agent from Northeast Ohio. (yes, I'm beating that horse to death, hoping to jinx it)

9:33 Jay Bilas "believes" in Kosta Koufos. Jesus is pissed.

9:36 Darrell Arthur looks like he's about to cry. The Nets take some guy from Cal named Ryan Anderson. Never heard of him, but I do not that he was smart enough not to show up to the Big Apple to wait.

If I were Arthur, I'd be ordering shots. A little Jager. Maybe a Car Bomb. Get wasted. Then, while shaking David Stern's hand (when he actually does get drafted), pull him off the stage like a drunk. It would be a YouTube classic.

9:41 Courtney Lee is my sleeper pick of this draft. The Western Kentucky product is a good pickup for the Magic. And yes, I've heard of him. He's a school teacher's Rodney Stuckey. I actually agree with Jay Bilas. Lee is NBA ready and will compliment Dwight Howard well. Now, if they could just deal with that Jameer Nelson problem.

Jeff Van Gundy thinks his brother is fat. I'm not sure if that's funny or just plain mean. I guess it depends on who is younger.

9:42 J.J. Hickson!!??!!????

9:44 The Indians' offense is exploding, like a Ron Jeremy money shot, all over the Giants pitching staff.

1-0 Cleveland.

(yes, I did think I was required to make a Ron Jeremy reference after bringing up Stan Van Gundy. I think its some sort FCC rule.)

9:49 There are really three intriguing guys left on the board:

1. Chris Douglas-Roberts
2. Darrell Arthur
3. Kosta Koufos

The latter is only interesting because I'm waiting to see which GM will be dumb enough to waste a pick on a 7-foot guy that can't rebound and couldn't defend Earl Boykins on the block.

And just as I typed that, I notice that the Jazz already took KK. Well, at least Benedict Boozer won't have to worry about a teammate poaching his boards.

9:52 Some guy was drafted from the Congo. Amazingly, he's the second guy ever drafted from that country. No, ESPN has not mentioned the first - I hope its not someone I should know. That would be embarrassing.

Finally, they answer it. DJ Mbenga of the Lakers. Whew! That was a close one. I though it would be a Hall of Famer or something.

9:53 Question, as Jeff interviews Stan Van Gundy: Does the latter have anything else in common with Ron Jeremy other than the 'stache? If so, I understand why Jeff is so bitter.

9:56 Someone please draft Darrell Arthur. He's already been taken behind Anthony Randolph, Kosta Koufos, some guy from Conga and J.J. Hickson. I swear he's about to off himself.

Another pick. No Arthur. Some guy from France. Don't know him. Shit, he could be the next Craig Ehlo and I would have no genuine appreciation right now for how smart the Houston Rockets are.

Bold Prediction: Rockets lose in the first round next year. Sorry TMac.

9:59 Ric Bucher lets the cat out of the bag. Apparently Arthur has some sort of kidney issue and its turning teams off. I hope Darrell knew that, because otherwise, its just been a real tough night for him.

10:02 Eewwwii Pewwwiii has a player drafted in the first round. Indiana University-Purdue University International. Never got that. Is their mascot a cross between Jimmy Chitwood and that odd-looking Boilermaker with the sledgehammer?

Anyway, the Spurs took him and they are the smartest organization in the league so he must be good.

10:14 You know, they say New York City is a town with no heart.

As I typed that, Stuart Scott started to finish my thought to mention that the entire crowd cheered as Darrell Arthur was FINALLY drafted. Yes, New York New York isn't that bad. "Check out David Stern. Even he is giving props to the young man."

Stu Scott everybody.

But the whole scenaro of his being drafted reiterates two points I made earlier:

1. New Orleans drafted him for the Portland Trial Blazers. Right now, as he's being interviewed, he's still wearing a Hornets' hat. The NBA's so silly.

2. If you're not a top-10 pick, stay at home.

Still, its a good pick for the Blazers. When the Cavs leave Cleveland in 2011, I may just adopt Portland as my team because of Oden. They are really building something there. The West will be owned by the Hornets and Blazers for the next 10 years

10:16 I am seriously hoping that Memphis takes CDR right now. If they do not, there is no way that Joe Dumars lets him drop any further. I would hate for the Pistons to get him.

Shit! The Grizzlies continue their incompetence by drafting Syracuse freshman Donte' Green over polished senior Douglas-Roberts. If he ever becomes good, they'll ship him to the Lakers for the pu pu platter. Awful pick.

10:22 Will Joe Dumars pass on the best available? He's never done it before...

YES!

NO!

They take my other sleeper from the draft in DJ White. The only major concern with this guy would be the injuries. But he's tough down low. Strong rebounder He has great hands. And he'll give the Pistons some serious needed depth on the front line with McDyess getting up there in age.

Why does it seem as if the Pistons are just that much smarter than the Cavs? The only reason the Cavs aren't in the lottery every year is because they couldn't fuck up the 2003 draft.

10:30 Last pick of the First Round goes to the Celtics. They'll probably take CDR, and just rip my guts out.

He's perfect for the Cs. He's a slasher that makes plays in transition. He's terrific defender with active hands. And he's a winner - something he may be able to teach Kevin Garnett.

With their sights set on a repeat, Boston is definately not taking an international project. They want a ready player. And I have to assume that player is CDR.

What the F is taking so long? Time's up. I'm ready for bed. Just give them the Vikings treatment and start the second round.

(Jeopardy music)

... still waiting....

10:37 And somehow, some way, CDR makes it out of the first round. I'm baffled. What am I seeing that NBA GMs don't see? I was right that the Celts would want a polished player and they get one in J.R. Giddens out New Mexico.

Dick Vitale is back on the screen, yelling at Stuart Scott even though he's not mad at him. He looks as tired as I do.

First round over. I'm out. Peace.

Alright, two updates before I go to sleep.

1. Detroit traded DJ White to the Sonics for "some guy."

2. The Blazers took Joey Dorsey in the second round, he of David and Goliath fame. Should be interested to see if Oden remembers that little tidbit.

As of 10:54 P.M., CDR is still undrafted. Amazing.

Out.

George Carlin Quote(s) of the Day

1. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

2. Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.

George Carlin Quote of the Day

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

A Tale of Taint: The 2007-08 Boston Celtics

I have a not-so-secret confession to make before you read any further: I hate Boston.

I mean I hate Boston. I hate the accents. I hate Sam Adams beer. I hate Harvard. I hate MIT. I hate the Dropkick Murphys. (alright, that's a lie). I hate Tom Brady. I hate Manny Ramirez. I hate the Big Green Monster. I absolutely hate the parquet floor of the TD Banknorth Arena. And I would have hated the Tea Party and cheered the Massacre.

That's a lot of hate - and it really is unhealthy. But, as Brian McNamee might say, "it is what it is."

So now that you have that background of bias, you can now trust that I will give a purely objective analysis of the past season for the Boston Celtics.

To start, I must tell you that no Boston championship since the millenium change has been without its taint. Sure, Boston has won a total of six championships in three sports during that time frame, while Cleveland still clings to faded memories of 1964. But the Patriots (Spygate) and Red Sox (bizarro Yankees) have not won their championships in a way that has endeered them to the American sportsviewing public. They've won by cheating and spending. That's why, outside of the bandwagonders, most true sports fans hate those teams.

The Celtics, however, and well beyond comprehension, have been well-received. I think its all of the 40-somethings dusting off their Larry Bird jerseys - guys that had to choose between the Lakers and Celts in the 80s and decided to go with the team led by the white guy. Thre reality is that these guys are just bandwagon fans that disguised themselves as true fans. They justify the two-decade hiatus as discontent with a league that was going through a so-called "thug" phase. At least that's what they'll tell you.

But these "fans" always knew that the sport of basketball was - as "Shooter" in Hoosiers would say - "the greatest game ever invented." So one day they woke up and the Celtics were good again. There was potential glory on the horizon. So what if there were no more great white hopes? When the team you followed 20 years ago inexplicably obtains Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in the offseason for Delonte West, Al Jefferson and the pu pu platter, you have a reason to enjoy the game again at its highest level.

So how did it happen? Was it really that inexplicable? Well, not really... In today's NBA, anything is possible. (unless you're Atlanta, Milwaukee, Toronto, Sacramento, Seattle, Indiana or Memphis).

1. RAY ALLEN

Well, let's start with Ray Allen, who most definately is not a Hall of Famer. I mean, we're talking about a 13-year veteran that only made the playoffs 5 times. Prior to coming to Boston, he had only been to the playoffs in 1/3 of his seasons. In two of those seasons, his team exited stage front in the first round. Now, this might be somewhat acceptable in, say, the NFL, where far less than half the teams make the playoffs. But in the NBA, 8 teams from each conference make it. So for a supposed Hall of Famer like Ray Allen to "lead" his teams to just 4 appearances in 12 years is rather pathetic.

Allen's most productive seasons from a points-per-game standpoint came in his last two seasons in Seattle, where he averaged 25.1 and 26.4 respectively for a team that didn't even sniff the playoffs. The Sonics record his last year? 31-51. No really. 31-51! And he's a Hall of Famer??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Allen was a two-step acquisition for the Celts.

The first part comes with so-called "tanking." In the 06-07, NBA teams will little to no hope of making the playoffs had their sights set on another prize - or more apt, prize"s" - in college hoops star freshmen Kevin Durant and Greg Oden. "Tanking" started to occur when these teams would strangely sit their star players with phantom injuries so that all hope (as if there was much) of winning went out the window. They then could possibly have the worst record in the league, get the most beerpong balls and maybe get a shot at one of two can't-miss superstars.

And "tank" is exactly what the Celtics did, finishing the season with a strong 24-58 record - which pretty fucking difficult to pull off when you have a crowned "Hall of Famer" on your team in Paul Pierce. Of course, the task becomes far more simple when your "great" player, who survived like 1695 stab wounds and completely blew out his knee in Game One of the Finals (Ha!), can't play half the season because of undisclosed injuries.

It was so obvious that the Celts were tanking that the coach of that dismal team, Doc Rivers, actually still had a job the next year. It was as if he did his job the year before. And he did an excellent job. It's hard work coaching a team to be that goddamn awful.

But alas, the Celtics did not get Oden or Durant. Those damn ping pong balls just didn't bounce their way - almost as if they were guided by karma. They did, however, end up with the number 5 pick, which seemed like a huge letdown since there were only two real "stars" in the draft.

Enter Clay Bennett, whose Oklahoma City-based group purchased the Sonics in the summer of 2006 with every intention of keeping the team in Seattle and NOT moving them to the scourge of the Sooner land. HA!!!!

The Sonics, unlike the Celtics, did get lucky in the NBA lottery with the #2 pick, where they could take Bill Simmons' man-crush KD. Durant and Allen on the perimeter? Even in the West, where all 16 teams could make the playoffs in the East, this seemed like a deadly combo. But why would an ownership group with its sights set on leaving the Northwest actually want a successful team. They wouldn't.

And so they dealt Ray Allen to Boston for the #5 pick, where they picked travel-man himself, Jeff Green of Georgetown. Hmm... Jeff Green (weighing hands like a balance). Ray Allen (tipping hands). Yeah, fair deal.

And there you have your second piece of the Boston Three Party.

2. KEVIN GARNETT

Ah, the Big Ticket. Everyone's favorite lovable loser, whose hands were devoid of rings solely because he had been surrounded by such losers as Stephon Marbury, Joe Smith, Wally Szchedaebiaaeeak, Sam Cassell, Latrell Sprewell and Randy Foye. (Side Note: I still remember the 2006 draft where the T-Wolves drafted Brandon Roy with the 6th pick only to trade him to the Blazers for Randy Foye - that the the first and last time I ever really sympathized with KG).

As we saw throughout the playoffs and especially in the Finals, the real reason KG hadn't won yet in the league was because he wasn't a closer (i.e. winner). He had led his team to 7 straight first-round exits (Sound familiar TMac) from 96-97 through 02-03. In the 2004 playoffs, his team teased until they finally bowed out in 6 in the Western Conference finals. And his last two years in the land of a thousand lakes produced long, painful steamy piles of shit. Pretty good for a Hall of Famer.

Enter master GM Kevin McHale. THE Kevin McHale, a real Hall of Famer, who played 13 seasons and won 3 World Championships with who? Yup, the Celtics. And when his old team really needed him and his star player was whining and throwing hissy fits like a four-year old that didn't get Tickle-Me-Elmo for Christmas, he came through.... Big Time.

I mean who wouldn't trade KG for Al Jefferson, Gerald Green (released mid-season), Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair, and Sebastian Telfair's gun? You'd have to be nuts to turn down that trade if you're Kevin McHale, right? The money saved on pacifiers for KG alone had to be worth it.

Nevermind that he could have gotten a much, much better deal from about 5-7 other teams in the league. Nevermind that fans in Minnesota had been asking for his head well before he masterminded one of the greatest heists in sports history... against his own team.

And the dumbass still has a job. I wish I could suck that bad at my job. Michael Bolton (from Office Space, not the no-talent assclown) would kill for that kind of job security.

How did the Securities Exchange Administration NOT look into this deal as blatant Insider Trading? Sure, they'll go after sweet little Martha Stewart and the do-gooders at WorldCom, but they let Kevin "fucking" McHale off the hook?

And there you had your third Celticateer. (just tryin' it out).

3. DAVID STERN AND HIS F-TROOP OF OFFICALS

How do you define "irony?" Is it like Alanis Morissette said, "rain on your wedding day"? Umm... no.

It's like a story coming out about NBA officials fixing games on demand by their boss while the league gets its wetdream matchup in the Finals. And, of course, the league had nothing to with the matchup taking place at all... no... couldn't happen.

I'd love to link about 60 videos of non-foul calls on Boston throughout the playoffs as evidence of this great conspiracy. Unfortunately, I doubt I'd find them all on youtube.com

Instead, I'll simply show you a dunk that I saw in person. A dunk that showED little consideration for the continued existence of homo sapiens. And while I celebrated the dunk by giving high 5s to about 12 dudes I didn't even know, I still bitched about the non-call on Kevin Garnett - who simply could not buy a foul in the playoffs. (kind of like the Indians can't buy a run off anybody)

It's like the officials were told not to blow their whistle on the poster child of the playoffs. But the league wouldn't do that... no... refuse to believe it.

CONCLUSION:

And there you have it. Tanking. Insider Trading with incompetent GMs. Douchebags moving teams from great sports cities. Art Schlichter's family calling the games.

The Boston Celtics. Your 2007-08 NBA Champions. Eat it up chowderheads. You just might get E-Coli from it.

George Carlin Quote of the Day

I know this is supposed to be a sports-themed blog, and George Carlin probably couldn't throw a baseball more than 40 mph, but it's my blog. I'll do what I want with it.

And not to belabor the point, but I was a huge Carlin fan and his death saddens me. So if I need to use some of his humor to move this thing along in a boring sports weeks (sans the NBA Draft), then well, deal with it. Anyway, on to the quote:

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin lived a better life than you

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Short Vacation

Due to an overload of work and family obligations, the Mat will be taking a week-long hiatus. But not to worry. Now that the U.S. Open and NBA Finals have passed, there really isn't a whole lot going on anyway except the long, hard slog of the baseball season.

Coming Soon:

1. How the Celtics went from the second-worst team in the league to NBA Champions: Disection of the Perfect Storm, which includes team-tanking (Celtics), team overhaul in preparation for a diabolical move (Sonics) and insider trading (T-Wolves), along with the support the worst commissioner in sports (Stern) and the worst officials in sports.

2. The De-evolution of regular sports fan Bill Simmons into ultra Hollywood, insufferable prick that has become a slave to ESPN and his own ego.

3. Admit it Bengals' fans: Chad Johnson really is a prick.

These posts and much more upon the return. And a special "get well" greeting to Tiger Woods, who apparently wasn't faking it, unlike Paul Pierce.

Another Boston Championship

I don't have a whole to say about it. It's obvious that I do not care for the city of Boston, its sport teams or its fans.

The biggest development in the Finals that affected the outcome: The disappearance of Pau Gasol. It's inexcusable that he would play like such pussy.

I stand by my earlier assessment that Boston has no great players. But I now freely admit that they play great team defense. KG disappeared for most of the series, and I'm still baffled why he is somehow a fan favorite when I've convinced that he's a prick on the court. Paul Pierce was consistently their best all around player and best clutch player, which has me again begging the question: If he's so great, then how did Boston miss the playoffs the last two years in a weak Eastern Conference? And Ray Allen, while he finally decided to show up in the Finals, is lucky to be there riding the coattails of his teammates.

I do give credit where credit is due though. Great defense can still beat one-dimensional offense. That's what the Celtics did, and the much-maligned Doc Rivers deserves a lot of credit for that. They did it to the Cavs. They did it to the Lakers.

Now lets go get Michael Redd and stuff the chowdaheads next year. Fuck Boston.

SUDDEN DEATH!!

Tiger birdies 18 (duh!) to send the playoff into sudden death. Best U.S. Open ever? Best major ever? Best sporting event of the year? (well, the Giants have something to say about that)

4:30 P.M. EDIT: Tiger Woods is your 2008 U.S. Open Champion. In rather undramatic fashion and unbecoming of the tone of the tournament, Mediate misses a 20-footer for par on #7 to give Tiger his 14th Major.

Maybe not the best golf tournament ever with the anti-climactic ending, but real sports ain't Hollywood.

Ron in where?

From Jason Sobel's U.S. Open liveblog on espn.com. I cannot be the only one to have thought directly to an infamous quarterback in federal prison. (by the way, Rocco and Tiger are tied after 14, if you cannot guess from the email.)

12:09 p.m.: E-mail from Ron in Mexico:

Everybody thought there should be a four-hole playoff, right? Consider the first 14 holes a warm up.
Good point. Here's our aggregate playoff. Of course, couldn't we have just done this yesterday?

Tiger vs. Rocco

"I knew it. I knew he'd make it," said a reserved Rocco Mediate as he turned away from the television after watching Tiger Woods force a playoff in the U.S. Open with a birdie putt on the 72nd hole. He seemed almost embarrassed to have watched it so intently, as if he should never have let the thought enter his mind that Tiger might miss.

"He is Tiger Woods," came the voice of reason from nearby, as if to say anyone surprised by the dramatcs on the 18th green is a fool.

Another voice, clearly intoxicated or inebriated from some over-medication attempted to calm Rocco. "Just beat him tommorrow."

Just beat him tommorrow. As if the task of taking down the greatest golfer in the world would be as simple as taking out the trash. Just take it out tommorrow.

You don't just beat Tiger Woods. You have to get lucky. You have to hope that he somehow remembers that he is human, if he is human. You have to hope that his left knee gives out on him ala Willis McGahee in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. You have to hope that the wind somehow picks up just a little more when he's hitting the ball and dies completely as your own takes flight. You have to hope that Tiger Woods isn't as "clutch" when he needs to be even though he's proven time and time again that he defines the term.

And this time around, on this stage, with all of the subplots, Tiger has shown that he just simply lives for this shit.

Torrey Pines. Ron Burgundy's town. NBC. Primetime. Knee surgury. U.S. Open rough. A 45-year-old qualifier. The greatest player that ever lived. That's drama folks.

And if you weren't watching it this weekend, then I'm sorry that you'll never be able to fully appreciate what took place during the final two rounds of the greatest golf tournament in the world.

Let's start with the third round. On NBC in primetime, Saturday evening and over a decade after he seized a lock-down control on the number one ranking in the world, Eldrick "Tiger" Woods show definatively why he'll not soon relinquish that status. (and Stuart Appleby showed why he may want to enter the Mark Wohlers-Rick Ankiel School for the Composure-Impaired).


Tiger had been rather ordinary during the front 9, registering a double bogey on the first hole and struggling to overcome the conditions created by the USGA for its signature tournament. But the back 9 would prove to be different... and by different, I mean, "edge of your seat" fist-pumping excitement.


On the par 5 13th, Tiger pushed his drive right, and into an area of rough where the gallery had been trampling all day - which was fortunate, because it left Tiger a decent lie. On his second shot, he then muscled a shot onto the green, but all the way to the back of it with a front pin placement. He had left himself a downhill pit from about 50-plus feet, which Tiger simply trickled at a slow pace all the way to the hole and, of course, in, for an eagle.

Then on the par 4 17th, Tiger's approach shot fell right of the green into the patented U.S. Open rough, leaving him a difficult chip (for him, but impossible for me). When he hit the ball, you could see that he was disappointed that he had likely hit it long and would be facing a long putt to save par. One hop. Hit pin. In hole. The greatest golfer in the world just chuckled in amazement of his own fortune. I mean, the guy's good enough, and he's getting lucky too.


Welcome to the 18th. Par 5? Tiger Woods? Eagle? Umm.... yeah, I cheered loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

After each great shot, visually amazing in 42" HD television, I can recall being as excited as I've ever been watching a sporting event. I didn't even mind that Tiger's theatrics delayed the bar-hopping for a couple of hours. It was stunning.


Sunday's Final Round was rather mild in comparison. Tiger again doubled the first, and traded off birdies, pars and bogeys until that same 13th hole, which he had eagled the day before. He entered the tee box up one stroke on Rocco Mediate and Lee Westwood - paired with latter in the final group. After he had just watched Westwood deadpull a fairway wood into some (for lack of a better word) shit, Tiger decides to try the same thing. And if he was trying to copy Westwood, he succeeded by dipping his ball into the same aforementioned shit. Both bogeyed, leaving the 45-year-old Mediate with a one-stroke lead. Huge mistake by both players, and it ultimately cost the Brit his chance at the championship.


Rocco held on to the slim lead as he entered the clubhouse and could only wait for Tiger and Westwood to play the 18th, which had been playing fairly easy and it would be assumed that one or both players would birdie to tie, if not eagle to win. But both decided to strike their drives into the beach, taking away the eagle possibility. They scrambled both to get the ball on the green and comparable makable birdie putts. I'll temper the drama, because if you watched it or even happened to see the news, you know that Tiger made his to set up the playoff... as if we would expect anything less.

And this is where Rocco predictably pretends as if he wasn't hoping that Tiger would miss that putt. Of course he was. And of course we all know it. Who would even blame him?

I know what you're thinking. You think I'm unabashedly some Tiger Woods fan, who will cheer for him to win and Rocco to falter. Not true. I do want Tiger Woods to win, and I am a fan. But I'm not a Tiger Woods fan like I'm a Cleveland fan or an Ohio State fan. I would cheer for those teams to succeed, regardless whether their success came at the misfortune of others. In golf, I simply want to watch greatness, and let's face it... Tiger brings the greatness. But I would not be excited or satisfied if he won at the expense of another golfer. If he's to win, I want him to do it in a way that leaves his opponent saying "what can you do?" and not "why did I choke?"

So if Tiger doesn't bring "it" tommorrow, and Rocco continues to grind out fairways and greens, I hope the latter wins. Like I said before... Tiger is good enough. He doesn't need good fortune too.

The disappointing part is that I probably will not see it. The genuises at NBC will not likely figure out that Tiger in primetime in a playoff for a major championship would be ratings gold. He and Rocco will tee off at around 1:00 or so eastern time, and I'll come home from work to see that either he or Rocco has been crowned champion of the U.S. Open.

Even though I will not see it, I wish both of them luck, and let one of them prevail by being "great."

Tiger photo courtesy of deadspin.com

It's a party!!!

If you make it up to Cleveland this summer, you absolutely have to check out this new place. All the cool people are there, including celebrities and their hot trainers. It used to be fairly exclusive, but now they are even letting lesser accomplished people in. You've gotta keep it on the down low though, because that's the name..... DL.

When you get there, you'll be greeted at the door by none other than sinker ball specialist himself, Fausto Carmona, who can master the ladies and the midges. Up at the bar, you can share a drink with Jake Westbrook and a shot (of HGH) with Travis Hafner. Don't forget to tip Josh Barfield in the bathroom - and if he can get in, anyone can.

Finally, you'll be able to share a deep conversation with All-Star catcher Victor Martinez, who can tell you how the women dig his sharp accent. Just don't let him pick the music.. because, well, it sucks.

Last month, we even had Joe Borowski, who mercifully left because he could never close the deal with any of our women - even the easiest, drunkest ones available.

Better hurry up and get to the DL now. Next month, we expect C.C. Sabathia. And if he shows up, there just might not be any room for anyone else.

Never seen these two in the same room together...

Junior turns 600

"Ya know, it's funny what a young man recollects, cuz I don't remember bein' born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas, and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic..."

But I do remember the first time I saw the sweetest swing in baseball.

I could not let the week pass without making special mention of a ballplayer every baseball fan over the age of 25 remembers as the best all-around player of the 90s. I'm no Mariners fan. I'm damn-sure no Reds fan. But the ultimate sign of respect for an athlete is when your loyalty as a fan to a team has no bearing on the joy you have watching that player or the admiration for his/her ability.

Ken Griffey Jr. came into the league as the son of Ken Griffey Sr. He was a fresh-faced kid that was hyped up because of his pedigree, and even played on the same team as his old man. For his first few years in the league, he was best known among the collective youth of America as the #1 card in the '89 Upper Deck series.

When he finally retires, most that saw the best of him will remember Ken Griffey Sr. as the father of Ken Griffey Jr. They will remember him as the fresh-faced kid that lived up to the hype. His rookie card? A footnote in pop culture history.

Some fans, uninterested in accurate historical reflection, may remember him as the injury-plagued outfielder for the Reds that, at times, refused to run out a play. They will hardly remember him as the dangerous hitter that gave most AL pitchers (and hitters with his fielding) nightmares. And that's a shame.

The unfortunate chapter of the Ken Griffey Jr. story is that his career started to tail off around the same time that players like Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds started rewriting the home run record books. During that time, he became an afterthought, a "what if?". Much of that had to do with the fact that he was injured most of the time. The rest can be laid at the feet of men who disgraced the game with their lust for home-run glory. While we fans did not really know it at the time, these men simply shamed themselves and the game we loved.

And it is out of the shadows of the those cheaters that Ken Griffey Jr. steps forward once more, seemingly unblemished by what turned out to be a dark chapter in baseball history, not his own. Whether that is fair or justified is unknown. Unlike those players, we feel rather confident that Junior did not break the law for a competitive advantage. For that, however, I offer nothing. No extra credit. No additional respect or admiration. He may have done it the right way, but that's what he should have done. And his accomplishments speak loudly enough that he simply does not need any more love for having done his job within the bounds of the rules and the law.

As he hits a milestone reached legitimately by just 3 players before him, we reflect on his great career, and we forget the "what if?"s. It's a time to stand up, applaud, and offer this simple reflection on a continuing great career:

600

Celtics Bench = Bush League

I have to admit that I'm not really sure where the phrase "Bush League" came from. Recently, when watching the movie "Eight Men Out", the players often referred to the members of the opposing team as "bush." So I have to assume that the phrase has been around a while, used mainly to describe professional athletes who act, well, unprofessional.

It's used to describe a baseball player leaning into an inside pitch just to get on base, or an infielder intentionally dropping an infield fly to force out two guys on first and second. (hence, why they invented the infield fly rule). In other words, a "busher" is someone who tries something cheap in order to gain a competitive advantage - which, as opposed to the use of steroids, is more comical and considered something less than cheating.

Welcome the Celtics bench players. Yup, I'm talking about you Eddie House. You Glen Davis. You Tony Allen. And, of course, you too Brian Scalabrine.

I'm not sure when it started, and I first noticed the move in the Cavs-Celtics series. But anytime a opposing player has an open 3 from the end of the court closest to the Celtics bench, the scrubs stand up and yell in the player's ear to distract them into missing. That's right, they yell real loud. And that's their contribution to the team.

Whatever happened to the bench warmer who just took the towel and waved it around like a helicopter after his team made a big play? Now, just so they can feel like they are actually doing something to help the team win, they scream at someone from the other team (who is really playing in the game). It's pathetic and unbecoming of a team now up 2-0 in the championship series of the NBA, the pinnacle of basketball. I would expect more from the team, except I have to realize that their coach is Glenn Rivers.

But congratulations to the Celtics on their impending title. It is nice to see two really good players (Pierce and Garnett) get to win a title on a team put together by Kevin McHale. I just wish the leaders of the team would shut up their "bush league" bench. But then again, that's something a great player and a strong leader would do. And, as it has been made abundantly clear, they are not great players.

Although the bench players are probably just taking about their "busher" teammate and captain, Pierce - he of the "fake injury" club.

About Last Night

Yeah, I stole it from Deadspin. Sue Me. They stole it from Rob Lowe and Demi Moore. Plus, Will Leitch is a hypocrit whiny bitch that only feigned giving a shit about the blog phenomenon until some idiot publisher would give him another chance in the big media. Good luck shit head.





So, really, about last night: Who cares? I tried to watch Sportscenter, but it was the usual Boston lovefest, so I turned it off and watched Saved by the Bell re-runs. (By the way, Professor Lasky really is a dick)

The Red Sox-Rays was fun. Coco Crisp really gets intimidated by anyone who hasn't been stupidly named after a cereal. It was nice to see him get gangraped like he was in Chino, especially after his Bush League slide the game before. Looks like we can look forward to the geniuses at ESPN overhyping this rivalry now, since the Yankees suck.

It was nice to see Paul Pierce overreact to not being injured and then come out and do his best pseudo-Willis Reed impersonation. Of course, idiots are buying it. If he really thought he was seriously injured, he's a pussy. If he faked it, then he stole it from numerous other athletes who played dead in the past. It's unoriginal. It's cheap. And I'm sure the chowder heads bought it - hook, line and sinker. I mean, Boston fans would cheer if the head coach blatantly cheated. (i.e. "inadvertantly broke the rules to gain a negligible competitive advantage")



By the way, loved the nine straight misses from KG in clutch time. He's a great player.

NBA Finals Preview - NHL Finals Review

First things first, fuck the Red Wings. Yeah, I said it. And not just because their whole team strangely resembles the Swedish National Team (although that is a very good reason), but because they represent everything that is unholy in sports. Their team was built before the salary cap was put in place, back when they were the NHL version of the Yankees. They have arguably the dirtiest player in the league (Holmstrom). And their fans are arrogant pricks who make Boston fans look almost modest. Red Wings' fans actually are extremely upset about the rampant expansion in the league. They hold themselves up higher than other fans because their team was in the Original 8 (as if it was some sort of birth trait) - and because of it, they still throw out that stupid octopus. EDIT: Apparently, its the Original 6 - as if I give a shit. Just more proof that hardcore NHL fans are arrogants fucks that actually enjoy the outcast persona that being an NHL fan entails. Go Blue Jackets. Fuck the Original 6.

Sidney Crosby's great. His teammates suck (outside of Fleury and Sydora). And that's why the Penguins lost.

There. That's your NHL Finals Review.

On to the NBA:

I tried to pretend like I should care that this matchup is Lakers-Celtics like ESPN and its family of networks. But when I look at the rosters, I don't see the great players from rivalry's past, like Elgin Baylor (61 and 22!!!!), Jerry West (38 ppg), Bill Russell (11 titles in 13 years), John Havlicek (Hondo!!), Bob Cousy, Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish... on and on and on. (I'm tired) Instead, I only see Kobe Bryant. He's the only great player in this series. The rest are footnotes in history.

Save me the Kevin Garnett bullshit. I'm not going to cheer for a guy just because they media says he's a great player without a title. The guy is a terrific talent without a title, most likely because he quit on his Minnesota team before whining and crying to be traded to Boston.

Save me the Paul Pierce bullshit. If he were half the hall-of-famer the idiots in the media say he is, then his team wouldn't have needed to tank last year in an attempt to get Oden or Durant.

Save me the Ray Allen bullshit. No, really. Save it.

So here's my preview. Lakers in 5.

Rip Hamilton has it all over Ray Allen

Yeah, I love the 80s and all female bands named after NFL teams. So, in an ode to Richard Hamilton, I'd like to call in the services of the J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets.

Ray Allen spent three eventful seasons at the University of Connecticut, and was, by all accounts, one of the greatest players in the school's recent storied history. He was tremendous and instrumental in defeating Allen Iverson and the Georgetown Hoyas for the Big East championship and even graced the cover of a prominent basketball magazine that boldly proclaimed that he was the next Jordan. (What!?!)

But how many national championships did he win?
How many Finals Fours did he participate in?

ZERO! A big fat goose egg.

Like the man that preceded him, Rip Hamilton also attended UConn and played the lead role as shooting guard for Jim Calhoun's team. He was generally regarded as a clutch player, but too skinny to be respected. He had one of the great last-second shots in NCAA history against Washington in the battle of the Huskies back in 1998, propelling him in the eyes of many a couch potato (me included) that picked his team to advance in the tourney. But then came 1999 and the Final Four against THE Ohio State Buckeyes (since erased from the record books) and the previously unbeatable Duke Blue Devils. Rip came up big in both games (not Khalid El-Amin big, but the "royal" big), winning the F4 Most Valuable Player and giving Calhoun his first national title.

To Calhoun, Ray Allen was like the hot cheerleader that wouldn't put out. Sure, she was considered pretty and likeable. But every time you tried to take it to the next level with her, she always let you down. Rip, on the other hand, was like the softball player that you hung out with, considered a good friend, but never really thought of banging until one fateful night when you both had a little too much to drink. She felt bad for you because the cheerleader was such a cold fish, so she popped your cherry for you. And you'll always remember her for it.

On to the NBA...

Ray Allen exploded on the scene in a multi-player deal that landed Stephon Marbury (Ha!) in Minnesota to play alongside Kevin Garnett, while Jesus Shuttlesworth got sent to the abyss known as Milwaukee to beg for the ball from Big Dog Glenn Robinson. It would be fair to say that Ray was best known during these years for his gangbang in the movie "He Got Game" before he was permanently and finally replaced at the shooting guard position by Michael Redd, alumnus of the aforementioned Buckeyes. He subsequently got shipped to Seattle, where he jacked up more 3s than Jason McElwain.

Mercifully, Ray Allen ended up in Boston playing third fiddle to Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce - where he has tried his Sunday best to blow series' against the Atlanta (???) Hawks and the dreadful Cleveland Cavaliers by missing every shot as if it were the last of a championship game he'll never play in.

How many championships has he won, you say? Check the front of a Woody Hayes hat.

Rip has had an entirely different NBA career filled with.... (gasp).... actual success - even though he came into the league without much fanfare or parade. After he was stuck in the quagmire known as the Washington Wizards playing for and along with a well-known gambling addict and narcissist (cough cough MJ), he finally got moved to Motown to form one of the best backcourts in the league with Chauncey Billups. He made the face mask cool again and actually won an NBA championship against the stacked Lakers in 2004. (a team that will unmercifully beat Ray Allen and the Celtics this year in the Finals).

The Score:

Richard Hamilton - One NCAA title, One NBA title, one cool-looking mask.
Ray Allen - Ummm.... (chirp, chirp)

Lakers-Celtics

Everyone wants to see the Lakers and the Celtics in the NBA Finals. You want to see it. That douchebag that calls himself the Sports Guy wants to see it. Len Bias and Reggie Lewis want to see it. You can be damn sure David Stern wants to see it.

Hell, I even want to see it. (more on this later)

But to what length is the NBA willing to go to get these two teams to the Finals? Anyone that has watched the Conference Finals so far knows that the officiating has been unbalanced. Brent Barry certainly knows its been unbalanced. I'm watching Pistons-Celtics Game 5 right now, and I'm telling you that the scales are not even.

Consider just for a second that the Pistons' most consistent player and MVP of Game 4, Antonio McDyess, picked up 6 fouls playing the same game as Kevin Garnett - including one extremely shady illegal screen call. They (the NBA) had to get him on the bench and eventually out of the game. There's simply no one wearing green that can guard him (yes, I'm talking about you Kendrick Perkins). But it's even more frustrating when you see KG late in the game throw a shoulder (he calls that a pick) into Chauncey Billups with 6 seconds left on the shot clock to free up Ray Allen for a huge shot. McDyess would have been called for a flagrant. For Kevin Garnett, it was simply the biggest play of his career - which really isn't saying shit.

I understand what the NBA is doing, but they really don't or shouldn't need to do it. I don't want to see Lakers-Celtics because of the ridiculous white cream running down the leg of middle-aged men masquerading as nostalgia. I want to see it because they really are the two best teams in the leauge. So why would they need help? Simple answer: David Stern is an insecure vagina.

The only question really left to be answered at this point: Will Stern call an audible for the Celtics to take the title, or is he just satisfied getting his (wet) dream matchup?

Athlete Bullshit

I still remember the first time I heard that then-Packers RB Najeh Davenport dropped a bomb in his girlfriend's laundry basket. For most people, the story probably caused them to cringe or maybe even throw up a little bit in their mouth. I simply laughed and wished that I had thought of it first. The ultimate revenge.

It was as if Grumpy Davenport had walked in on his girlfriend tongue-kissin' another man on his mouth like Biz Markie. But, in reality, he probably just found out that she was involved in a gang bang with Beta House. And, like any man in that situation, his first inclination was probably to either kick some ass, cry in a beer, or both. But he's stronger than that. Instead, he harnassed his anger... combined it with hot wings, coffee, and some Wisconsin cheese... then released all over his ex-girlfriend's stained panties and sweaty used bras. Bravo.
At that moment when I heard the story, Grumpy became an instant cult hero.

Then he decided to deny it - while at the same time taking a plea deal because a trial would have been too costly. I call bullshit.

Number One: If you are so embarassed by the accusation that you had a normal everyday bodily excretion (albeit in a closet), then how much money wouldn't you willing to pay to prove the accusation wrong?

Number Two: What's so embarassing about pulling off the ultimate revenge on your ex - likely on top of the same thong she was pushing to the side during the double team? Stand up and be proud Najeh - Take a fucking bow!

By denying it, while taking a plea deal, Najeh completed wasted his revenge. His girlfriend cheats on him - and now he probably had to make restitution for the panties he ruined by buying her new thongs in which to whore herself. Sleep well Grumpy. You lost.

But why should anyone be surprised? Athletes and sports figures are simply afraid to be seen as normal human beings (as normal as using poop for revenge can be). That's why guys like Ben Roethlisberger and Matt Leinart use their PR people to stave off criticism of their drinking habits. That's why Mike Piazza and Jeff Garcia both married Playboy playmates. That's why Chris Berman hasn't embraced the leather story. They can't be themselves in public. And it's time to call them all out for dropping so much (bull) shit.